[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay