I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive