8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.