law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
The Punning Dead.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses