WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You Might Also Like
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life