Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”