I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this