told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
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Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My favorite farside!!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.