There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave