Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
That lamp looks PISSED.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
crazy
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*