me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
brian had himself a morning…
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Skills
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.