Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard