After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.