My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*jazz hands*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.