My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You Might Also Like
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry