I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
another case of gang violins
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
That’s incredible! 👌
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Thursday
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.