I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Finally, a door that understands me
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.