I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*