[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.