Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
You Might Also Like
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader