Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.