Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
i now pronounce you bounced.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.