Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
You Might Also Like
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”