*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing