A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Raisins are grape jerky.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
tis the season
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Basketball
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
The Backseat Boys
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I get distracted pretty eas
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i