oh no, steve’s working tonight
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
and this one
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.