don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?