Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”