Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Current mood: Potato
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes