I’d love this…lol
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean