no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
👾👾👾
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no