My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.