My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.