Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little