What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Siri: Retweet me.