Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
(Electricians.)
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.