My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
You Might Also Like
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Love is in the air fryer.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?