The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You Might Also Like
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes