[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily