so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.