Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Cannot stop laughing at this