I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”