my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
TRAIN’S HERE
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products