Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
This is not me but this is me
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.