I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Wednesday
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here