wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]