Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I feel it
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.