my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen