Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
You Might Also Like
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid