“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.